timing and other bullshit

first i'll say...if you're reading this, please don't take offense, and PLEASE don't feel badly. i mean it.

now with that out of the way, i gotta get this out.

i watched "ps i love you" last night...and it was sweet. it was a good flick, but i argued with myself through most of it. well, myself and the author(s). i didn't really like the way grief was portrayed. or wait, not portrayed, but how it was reacted to. i think "holly"'s grief was pretty true to form, and actually so were her friends' responses, but i couldn't quite figure out what the movie was saying about it all. were her friends right that she just needed to move on? the thing with her mom and "this is not healthy" blahblahblah...is it true? when someone dies, is there a timeline to our sadness, and a point when we gotta forget it all and move on?

you can guess the reason i was so conflicted. i know grief... i mean, not a spouse, of course, but he was my dad. i know what it feels like to go through this thing that's complicated and slow-mo and frustrating. i know what it's like to not know what to say to your friends and how to go on living a "normal" life. but i really felt like the movie was on the side of her friends and family, pushing the "time to move on" theme. i dunno, maybe i'm just extra sensitive to the grief-thing right now.

as far as moving on, etc., no one can tell you how to do it right. there is no right. just personal experience, i guess.

so here's the part to which i would hate for you to take offense. where is everyone? i know i'm not a phone person, and i never have been, but i could use some support here. a text, an email, just something to know people are still out there thinking about me. my very closest friends have let me down in the last [nearly] six months with their lack of involvement. i know life is busy and it goes on and all that. i know. and i'm not mad, just sad. my dad's dead, ya know? doesn't that warrant a check-up every other week or so? i hate needing people. i hate that selfish feeling...like "where are you people and don't you care?" 'cause i know they care. i know, know, know they care so much. and i should be the last person to talk, 'cause when am i ever "there" for people? but it hurts anyway.

and what about those people who have been there? the people who really "rose to the occasion" and have been kind and comforting and have not "forgotten" me? i just look right over them in my selfishness. thanks to you guys. you really do mean the world to me...for just being there, and for understanding that this thing is going to be tough for me for a very long time, and there is no "just moving on."

anyway, i really am sorry for my selfishness. i really hope i didn't hurt anyone's feelings with this post.