Sunday, June 29, 2008

an apology

i've done a great job of being selfish lately. i have it checked off in my head as perfectly excusable because of my recent(-ish) personal tragedy, but maybe it's never okay to be selfish.

so i'm sorry. i'm sorry for neglecting people and pulling away. i can't say, "i'm going to change," because i don't know that, and it's likely that i'm not going to try very hard, but please know i acknowledge my reclusive-ness, and i plan to make a comeback (of sorts) someday.

all of you who mean so much to me, who i've barely seen or spoken to since my stint in lubbock and my dad's death, please know that i love you deeply and my absence is not fault of your own. thanks for being dependable and loyal...for not being angry with me or blaming me, for being so incredibly patient and placing no demands upon me for performance.

hugs and kisses.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


i don't know how well i'm going to be able to articulate anything right now...i'm like.."sun logged" (like water logged, but too much sun...get it?), and i've been working all day, but i'd like to try. i probably write better stream-of-consciousness anyway.

lately i've realized this thing about myself...part of the bigger picture which, day to day, makes me feel miserable inside. i'm a perfectionist. now, if you know me, you might be thinking, "pah! uh huh!" 'cause there's really nothing about me that screams "i'm interested in perfection." my room/house is consistently a mess. i was an a/b student in college. i dropped out of law school. i can think of a million reasons why you may scoff at my considering myself a perfectionist, but i think i am in this weird other way. it's kinda like i need my life to be perfect, and when it's not, i freak out inside.

obviously the "dad-thing" doesn't help too much, but neither does living in the upstairs closet, nor does leaving my dog outside to fend for herself. which, really, is a big reason i thought of all this today. she, meaning my dog. i took her to the dog park, and she ran off at one point. of course i was angry, but more than anything there was this nagging in my mind, a furiousness that she wasn't behaving perfectly.

it wasn't really about her, though, as much as it was about me. that i couldn't control her and make her do what i needed her to do. i get this literal burning sensation in my chest and i just want to cry. on a grander scale...cry because things and life just aren't going perfectly, and there's pretty much nothing at all i can do about it.