Wednesday, November 7, 2007

get the paddles.

unlike most Christians, i can point to very, very few specific times in my life when God has directly answered my prayers. i say "unlike most Christians" because most of the Christians i know attribute even the most minor successes in their lives to Christ. which is an excellent attribute, i agree, just not one i possess. my insufficiencies in this area, however, allow me something grand. when God gives me something i've prayed for, he gives it to me big...and there's no mistaking from whence it came.
God did that for me today. just now. i had a conversation with someone important, and whether she knew it or not, God used her in a huge way to bring me the relief and comfort i was searching for so long and hard. in all honesty (because that's what we're trying to do here, right?), i very rarely "feel" spiritual things. but this is one of those times when i couldn't be more positive that God loves me and is truly involved in my very little emily-shaped world.
anyway. more on all this some other time. the details aren't as important as the acknowledgment of the very divine intervention i just experienced.

and then...

my immediate inclination is to say, "i've got a lot going on right now..." but before i typed it as my opening line i realized...i do not have a lot going on right now. in fact, i have one thing going on right now: school. i wish, too, i could say, "school takes up all my time," but alas, it would be another half-truth. school is the only thing i have going on these days, but not because i spend all my time studying (i should, though), or because i'm loving it, or even because i have tons of homework. sadly, no. school is the only thing because it truly is the only thing. i don't have a job (weird), i don't have a boyfriend (so what else is new), i don't have a ton of homework or a hobby. -sigh- i have my dog...and she's awesome, and she's nothing if not wild enough to keep me occupied in the evenings. but i'm realizing...i am not content being this one-dimensional person-thing i'm becoming. i need something else.
i've started reading classics again, which is EXcellent. how some of these people (my student peer people) can read sixteen cases a night and nothing else, ever, is so far beyond me. i'm in the midst of Les Miserables right now and i keep thinking...if i could find a job where all i did allll day was read classic literature...i'd be the happiest woman on earth. for literature i could be one-sided. i want one of those massive libraries like on Beauty and the Beast...and i'd probably sing about it and twirl in circles, too.
so throughout this quarter-life-crisis-thing i'm going through (which is another "blog" altogether i haven't gotten to writing yet, but trust me, i'm crisising), i have come up with about 14 very different careers i'm positive i would enjoy forever. the list continues to dwindle as i test out each and every path. i'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, the testing. it's certainly costing me money.
because of all this career-figure-outing i have to do, i also have this battle in my head about "spiritual matters" relative to the subject. it goes something like this:

is it more Godly to -
1) find something you can do, do it, stick with it, and get over the fact that you don't love it, as long as you're living a Godly life while you're doing it, or
2) try, try, try and don't stop looking until you find something you truly love, because that thing, the thing you love is what God has for you, and that's why you love it.

i think i'm living like i believe the second one, but the second part of #2 is not really why i'm looking. so is it "wrong" that i'm searching so hard for happiness and my search is not motivated by "God's plan"? yeah, that answer sounds easy. it's wrong. whatever. but i guess i feel pretty certain i can live a Godly life no matter what i'm doing, so i'd really love to add happiness and fulfillment to that picture.
i probably stopped making sense a long time ago. anyway, the point is...sometimes i still feel like i'm 18 and trying to pick my major...only this time it's like my entire future and i feel all this pressure like i'm running out of time. someone tell me slow down! and then someone tell me how.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

in the beginning...

"blogging" is definitely one of those things that goes on the list. it's the "this began in my lifetime" list. and it's a'growin'. first, we have the CD player. obviously, the DVD player and the burners of both, but those aren't that impressive because they're extensions of the first. how about the INTERNET. that's kind of a huge deal. i mean, come on....a planet has come and gone since i've been alive (pluto). a planet! this generation is one to remember.
good movies, too. like the back to the future series. and great film directors like baz luhrman, wes anderson, and that m. knight shamalamalan guy. quite impressive, these last 25 years. so anyway...blogging's certainly made the list, don't you think? i mean, look at me! i'm sharing these thoughts on my laptop (on the list), with you and i don't even have to leave the comfort of my home. well, actually, that's not true. because the apartment where i live at the moment does not have internet access. and since we don't have universal wireless internet yet...i'm at school, where my internet use is ridiculously NOT limited. (i watched tv shows on my personal computer in the library during my break.)
i like the idea of sharing these things without you seeing my face. it's so much easier to be honest. i do like being honest, but sometimes it's hard...especially when i'm all confused and twisty (thanks, grey's) and i can't verbally produce a legitimate sentence. plus, if i were to see your face...that would mean i'd have to be in about four states at once, trying to tell you things about my life, and that's just difficult.
well, read on my friend. if you ever wondered what's going on in my little, quirky may find it here. and you may not, 'cause i tend to forget i even started things like this and only update 'em once a year. i'll try harder. remind me.