Friday, April 4, 2008

R-rated. For some adult language.

another day, another blog. two in a rowsies. that's pretty good.

i've been f*ing grumpy today. me and X kinda listened to an anger song today, and it was good, and it helped for a moment, but now i'm just pissed off. not at anyone, just everything. life's a drag sometimes. and it can't be fixed, either. again with the magic formula bullshit. it's just bullshit. not just the feel-good stuff, but the christian stuff, too. like...follow these ten steps and you'll be the perfect christian. and when you're the perfect christian, then everything will just feel right, and be right.

it's always about the fucking feelings. if you aren't feeling right, you're doing something wrong. well, i rarely fucking feel right. and sure, i'm doing a lot wrong, like saying the f-word TWICE, but i'm doing one or two things right, too...the things that should "count," but don't seem to.

i know a lot of my anger has to do with my dad dying, cause he was brilliantly special to me, and i can't think of a single good reason for him to be gone now. he was so true, ya know? he never lied or betrayed or deceived. he just existed, and he knew he was relatively scummy and useless (compared to Christ). he NEVER tried too hard, and he didn't even have it in 'im to pretend like he knew it all...or much of anything. as much as he was a blue-collar worker, he was a blue-collar christian. the only thing he knew for sure was that God loved him, and he was perfectly at peace with that.

peace is....well, i wanna say "another bullshit phenomenon," but i know i only want to say that because at this point, it just doesn't exist in my soul adequately. but i do chock a lot of these "christian" terms up to vocab and jargon...or at least how we've been defining them for the last, i dunno, 1500 years..? not like i'm some undiscovered genius on biblical theory, but i am an english major...and words are entirely magnanimous to when i hear these words thrown around like "peace" and "joy" and all that other church-camp, floaty-in-the-clouds, goodygoodygumdrops, ain't life grand nonsense, i get all snobby and withdrawn.

i miss being six, when all the world made sense because there was no thinking involved. no theory. no philosophy. things just "were." simplicity. i miss my dad.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

blah, blah, blah; feelin' like a b* tonight (to a snazzy tune)

so...obviously it's been awhile since i've "posted"...i seemed to have skipped the entire month of march, but i assure you - nothing terribly worth mentioning, anyway. and there's not now, either. i was just on looking at beautiful haylee ray, and thought i'd go ahead and write something.

things are fine. still don't really know how to answer that question when people ask. i think i'm doing well! and not, "...considering." i really am just doing well. life goes on when one life goes on, if you know what i mean. i miss my dad a lot these days, and yet, i don't think or feel like it's really sunk in. maybe it never does. grief is so strange and so unexplainable. it is, unfortunately, something you can never prepare yourself for, and something you really can't experience "the right way." i mean, i'm no psychologist, and i know there are "bad" ways to grieve, like...hurting other people somehow, sure, but it's not like i'm never going to drown my sorrows in booze, and like i'm going to talk about shit all the time to "get it out."

okay, so maybe i'm kinda pissed at the whole thing. the whole grieving thing, i mean. you're sort of raised (not by parents, more like...everything around you), to think and believe there's this magical formula for grief, and when you do it right, it won't hurt so bad. and there's this list of shoulds and shouldn'ts, but the only people who push those things on you are the ones who've never lost a parent, or a sibling, or a significant other. you guys who have lost someone that close to know what i mean. not like we're this exclusive group, but you at least know the pain of loss PLUS the pain of having absolutely no idea what to do about it. cause you're supposed to "fix" everything that's "broken," right? -sigh-

sorry. again, i'm not trying to exclude anybody here. and NOT trying to say, "if it hasn't happened to you, you're just ignorant." cause that would be way lame. and just plain incorrect. some of my most empathetic, closest friends who have said the most perfect things haven't lost anything or anyone. so yeah. don't get me wrong here. i'm really just venting. :)

sloppy. that's what this is. :) anyway, pray for me if you think about it. i have to figure out this job -slash- life thing. oh, and don't ask me how my mom's doing.....if you want to know, ask her yourself: seamsndreams at yahoo dot com.