another day, another blog. two in a rowsies. that's pretty good.
i've been f*ing grumpy today. me and X kinda listened to an anger song today, and it was good, and it helped for a moment, but now i'm just pissed off. not at anyone, just everything. life's a drag sometimes. and it can't be fixed, either. again with the magic formula bullshit. it's just bullshit. not just the feel-good stuff, but the christian stuff, too. like...follow these ten steps and you'll be the perfect christian. and when you're the perfect christian, then everything will just feel right, and be right.
it's always about the fucking feelings. if you aren't feeling right, you're doing something wrong. well, i rarely fucking feel right. and sure, i'm doing a lot wrong, like saying the f-word TWICE, but i'm doing one or two things right, too...the things that should "count," but don't seem to.
i know a lot of my anger has to do with my dad dying, cause he was brilliantly special to me, and i can't think of a single good reason for him to be gone now. he was so true, ya know? he never lied or betrayed or deceived. he just existed, and he knew he was relatively scummy and useless (compared to Christ). he NEVER tried too hard, and he didn't even have it in 'im to pretend like he knew it all...or much of anything. as much as he was a blue-collar worker, he was a blue-collar christian. the only thing he knew for sure was that God loved him, and he was perfectly at peace with that.
peace is....well, i wanna say "another bullshit phenomenon," but i know i only want to say that because at this point, it just doesn't exist in my soul adequately. but i do chock a lot of these "christian" terms up to vocab and jargon...or at least how we've been defining them for the last, i dunno, 1500 years..? not like i'm some undiscovered genius on biblical theory, but i am an english major...and words are entirely magnanimous to me...so when i hear these words thrown around like "peace" and "joy" and all that other church-camp, floaty-in-the-clouds, goodygoodygumdrops, ain't life grand nonsense, i get all snobby and withdrawn.
i miss being six, when all the world made sense because there was no thinking involved. no theory. no philosophy. things just "were." simplicity. i miss my dad.
3 comments:
Mmmmhmmmm. You're so strong. And so Yoda-esque. What you say here is beautiful. And honest. And sooooo f'n awesome.
Love you girl...wish I could say or do more....
Hey em... i don't think that anyone has the right to tell you how you SHOULD be feeling. When Steven passed away, even when he was still in the coma, people told me i needed to do this or that. #$*&@ that! i think it is very private and individualized for each person. If it means that you get a tattoo every year on his b-day, or have a beer every Dec 6th and listen to a collection of his favorite groups, or whatever... You will figure out in your own time what works best for you to be able to process everything. What i can tell you is that i don't think any one who truly knew your dad will ever stop remembering him. He was an amazing and Godly man that we were fortunate to get to know for a time and look forward to seeing again someday.
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