i can't understand why people feel like their job is to critique things they are not asked to critique. never in my right mind would i dream of breaking down someone's artistic expression into theoretical (or otherwise!) elements and "grade" them based on personal OR professional standards. i'm disgusted by some people's ability to spout open-mindedness in one breath, and in another whittle a fellow human being's expression down to bare-bone matchsticks in an effort to make them suitable for their own interest.

(long story.) :)

why why why why. that's all that runs through my head. how can there be a greater purpose to my dad's death? he died because heart disease runs in the family, he ate like shit for a lot of his life, and he didn't go to the doctor when he started feeling badly. end of story. God didn't "need" him in heaven. i didn't "need" to learn some life-lesson that i could only learn at his death. we NEED him here. i NEED him. i need him to hug me. i need him to tell me that i can do whatever i want with my life and he'll still love me. i need to hear him sing Jellyman Kelly. i don't understand. not even a little bit. shit happens. i get that. but why this? why my dad? what am i supposed to do?

i miss my dad so much. the hitting-you-at-random-times doesn't seem to improve. i still wonder if this is real. sometimes if it's really happening; sometimes if it ever happened. did he really DIE? or did he ever really exist?

damn it all! i came sooo close to crying tonight. i NEED to cry. sometimes my body just must have.
currently my body has constipation of the face. it's horrific. i haven't cried in a very, very long time. soon, i hope. i must.

carry you with me

i've always thought of this song in terms of my dad singing it to my brother, mom, and me as he left this world for another. if i were able to cry, this one would do it for me every time. thanks, tyler.

carry you with me
children keep on dreamin
when you wake i will be gone
i will vanish with the darkness
i will leave before the dawn
and i am going
to a city by the sea
but don't you worry
because i carry you with me
because i carry you with me

darlin you're so pretty
like an angel in your sleep
i wish that i could stay with you
no i don't wanna leave
but there are some places
that i really need to be
well don't you worry now
because i carry you with me
because i carry you with me

i carry you with me
like like a haunting melody
i carry you with me
i hear you cry
i hear your laugh
i see your smile
i taste your kiss
i carry you with me

and maybe someday
forever i will stay
lord knows that's what i'm dreamin of
and i'll try and find a way
but for now the wind keeps blowin
it carries me across the sea
but don't you worry now
because i carry you with me
cause i carry you with me
-tyler burkum