Thursday, April 16, 2009
why why why why. that's all that runs through my head. how can there be a greater purpose to my dad's death? he died because heart disease runs in the family, he ate like shit for a lot of his life, and he didn't go to the doctor when he started feeling badly. end of story. God didn't "need" him in heaven. i didn't "need" to learn some life-lesson that i could only learn at his death. we NEED him here. i NEED him. i need him to hug me. i need him to tell me that i can do whatever i want with my life and he'll still love me. i need to hear him sing Jellyman Kelly. i don't understand. not even a little bit. shit happens. i get that. but why this? why my dad? what am i supposed to do?
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4 comments:
Emily I feel your pain deeply when I read this, and I don't want to make you feel bad or make you mad but From my stand point....Look at how lucky you were to have your wonderful father for 24 years of your life, God truly blessed you! When growing up with the abusive father I had, i have always (and still do) see my friend's dad's and still get jealous and wish I could have a dad like their's. Your dad was no exception for me. I would have loved to have a dad like your's even for just one day! I love you so much Emily, Maybe try and look at how lucky you were to have him as long as you did rather then focus on the time you are not going to have with you. Always Much love to you Emily!!
I know how you feel....and it took me 10 years to finally come to terms with it all. Know that God is always there....even when you need to yell at the TOP OF YOUR LUNGS how unfair He was (which I did often driving to and from college classes). Know that I hurt with you.....I am blessed to have known your father. Love you!
Yeah, it does suck.
There are no easy answers. Brandon and I consider ourselves very fortunate to have known your dad for the short time that we did. God knows your pain, He is with you the whole time. And we are praying for you, Emily.
Mandy
(...just realized I don't have to sign my name at the bottom...leftover habits from the pre-computer age)
I wish it were the right thing to do...to take away all of this intolerable pain. The ache. The deep, deep misunderstanding of your conscious continually beckoning for explanation. I am so sorry it hurts so badly, baby.
Love.
A
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