Over the Rhine, one of my favorite bands of late, has a beautiful song called "Latter Days." If only I could project some meaning, understand what they're trying to say. I'm far too careful with that, if it's possible. I despise the idea of labeling things I have no business labeling. The chorus, though, of this beautiful song, says, "There is a me you would not recognize...Call it the shadow of myself." I love the line. Applying my own meaning, which is terribly unlike me, I must say, I come up with obvious parallels to my battle against determining who am, now that my dad is dead and life is no longer what it once was.
I feel terribly like this person I am today is a shadow of who I used to be, before my dad died, before I lost important bits of faith, before I changed my mind about my purpose, if there is one, to my existence. But at the same time, in the same instant, with the raging battle between rational and feeling, I feel more alive, more like "me" in these latter days, than I ever have...my whole life.
I've picked up a smoking habit. I like to drink, sometimes in excess. I curse and I lie and I bare this general weight on my shoulders...something about, "What does it mean to be real?" Feeling all these things, while tragic, makes me feel more real than I have, maybe ever. Feeling doubts and angst and anger makes me feel like I'm finally feeling something of value, something beyond this eternal and optimistic hope in Christ. It's like now I have this reason to understand grace to its fullest.
To add more cliches, it's like a veil has been lifted and I'm finally experiencing life, in all its ugliness and tragedy. But instead of feeling hopeless, or instead of feeling overwhelmed and empty, I feel grateful. Grateful for this opportunity to understand.
I am a dualist. A double. A complex. I am in a constant, never-ending battle with myself over my mind and heart. Which should win? Which should sustain? I'm learning, slowly, neither must beat out the other. Mind nor heart must win this so-called battle, because one cannot do without the other. ...
I'm not good at endings. That's all I have for now.