work today.

we moved boxes from rooms to trucks today.

the boxes (at least 600 of them, maybe more), were full of magic. heavy magic.

the boxes were full of books.

im so in love with books. so in love!

estes is having a used book sale friday morning, so the boxes are being transported to the holiday inn where the sale will take place. each box was labeled with a number, and each number coordinated to a category. for the first three hours out of three and a half, i was digging through the boxes labeled #1, because those were fiction novels. we only knew what boxes contained what by chance. like, if a box was dropped and books fell out, or if we happened to look. so i perused through any #1 i could find looking for books i'd like to own, only to realize in the last half hour that boxes with a FIVE were classic literature. my favorite. i mean, absolute favorite! so i came home with about ten new books today, and certainly could have grabbed more if i had ten more hands and time.

i'm positive i glow when i'm around books. so if you've ever wondered what i look like when i'm enamored, take me to a book shop.

heroes and me.

i want to do so many things. not like...travel, and "see the world" and all that. i mean, i want to be so many things. i want to be a writer. or a teacher. or a landscape architect. i want to move to mexico and open an orphanage. i want to adopt a million little kids who need homes.

i want to do something great.

but i don't know where to start.

and i feel overwhelmed.

and i feel like i'm going to fail wherever i turn.

this is why i read. so i might delight in, and live vicariously through, the lives of heroes.

wait, don't go

i started feeling really badly yesterday about the many layers of guilt i loaded on a few friends to come visit me this weekend. i didn't really feel guilty, though, until they committed to coming. so i started wondering (as usual) what's wrong with me, and why am i so demanding, and when am i gonna grow up, and all these little insecure thoughts that creep in when my world is nearing what feels like perfection.

i was elated when my friends told me they were coming. my chest got all tight and i felt this surge of something like happiness, thought i'm not convinced that's really what the sensation was. i keep thinking maybe i'm bipolar or something. anyway, we had a house full of people yesterday. people i love dearly, and people who genuinely love me, even at my ugliest, with so much gusto it's like i can literally feel it.

i know it's not the weirdest thing in the world to enjoy being surrounded by loving people, but i was thinking today, that maybe the reason i crave a full house is really more related to distraction. i can't think when my house is bursting at the seams. i have just about no time to sit around and do what i usually spend my time doing...over-analyzing and ripping myself apart.

i guess i really started to notice that element of enjoyment when the people slowly started packing their things and driving away this afternoon. the house got quieter and i found myself dreading the night, when everyone but us residents would be on their own pillows, somewhere far away, beyond my house.

i don't have much else to say on the matter. self-realization is tough. and it's so hard to separate the truth from whatever (-slash-) whomever is whispering bullshit into my ear.