wait, don't go

i started feeling really badly yesterday about the many layers of guilt i loaded on a few friends to come visit me this weekend. i didn't really feel guilty, though, until they committed to coming. so i started wondering (as usual) what's wrong with me, and why am i so demanding, and when am i gonna grow up, and all these little insecure thoughts that creep in when my world is nearing what feels like perfection.

i was elated when my friends told me they were coming. my chest got all tight and i felt this surge of something like happiness, thought i'm not convinced that's really what the sensation was. i keep thinking maybe i'm bipolar or something. anyway, we had a house full of people yesterday. people i love dearly, and people who genuinely love me, even at my ugliest, with so much gusto it's like i can literally feel it.

i know it's not the weirdest thing in the world to enjoy being surrounded by loving people, but i was thinking today, that maybe the reason i crave a full house is really more related to distraction. i can't think when my house is bursting at the seams. i have just about no time to sit around and do what i usually spend my time doing...over-analyzing and ripping myself apart.

i guess i really started to notice that element of enjoyment when the people slowly started packing their things and driving away this afternoon. the house got quieter and i found myself dreading the night, when everyone but us residents would be on their own pillows, somewhere far away, beyond my house.

i don't have much else to say on the matter. self-realization is tough. and it's so hard to separate the truth from whatever (-slash-) whomever is whispering bullshit into my ear.