i've been feeling like my old self lately.  

it's not a good thing.  

it's a scary thing.  

the old tendencies...the old daydreams.  

if only i could tell you about it.  

if only i could share the weight. 

tell you what really burns through my veins, 

and....well, everything.  

i would tell you everything if i could.  

but i can't. 

and i never will. 

i'll never be able to say it.  

it's all locked away, so tightly chained and buried deep, you'll never know. 

no one will ever know.  

except me.  

and that's the burden.  

that's why i say to you, "c'est la vie."  

and though you never push,

or ask to know, 

i wouldn't, 

i couldn't share anyway.

"Hi, this is Ed..."

When my dad died we saved a copy of his voicemail message off of his work cell phone. It says, "Hi this is Ed with ProTech Plumbing and Heating. ..." I remember thinking how light he sounded. Happy, I guess, but not giddy or anything. Just a very pleasant memory of his voice. The day he died I must have called his cell phone about a million times to hear it. I couldn't make myself stop calling it, actually. Over and over and over, just that happy little message.

One of my brother's friends was able to save it for us somehow and gave us a copy on disc. I have it on my computer, but haven't touched it. I stopped calling his phone number sometime after the first week, and now I can't bring myself listen to it. I want to hear my dad's voice again, but I'm terrified.

I was thinking today about why I haven't listened to it, and why I'm so afraid, and I think I've come to a conclusion of why I'm not ready. I'm afraid because what if I don't feel anything? What if I listen to it and it's nice, but it doesn't bring me to tears? Nothing brings me to tears these days. I desperately want to cry for my dad. Or for me for my dad. But I can't. Which is okay. Someday it'll come. I keep having to tell myself that, "It's okay." There's no real "normal" way to grieve. We're all different, right? So it's natural that we mourn in unique ways. I'm not really sure what my way is, but I have to remind myself that it's not like the movies.

fat, not phat.

why are we cursed with weight issues? or, better yet, why are we cursed with self-loathing? okay, so maybe that's a little strong. i don't "loathe" myself when i look in the mirror, but i hatehatehate what i look like naked. maybe that sounds funny or silly, but it reflects so strongly into my daily life. knowing what i look like without my clothes on makes me feel uncomfortable even with my clothes on. i still know what's under there. and i still know that a couple layers of fabric can't change my weight.

i'm heavier than i've ever been in my life right now, and i still have no self-discipline. i still go for the ice cream. have the latte. eat the cake. throw back the beer. i can't say no to things i like. (food and drinks specifically for this blog's purpose.) i don't know what to do anymore. i've been on great diets, when i lose 15 pounds or so in a couple months, but that's not enough anymore. i need to lose a significant amount of weight to fit back in those jeans i love.

and naturally it's not just the cute jeans i wish i had. i want self-confidence. i want to walk out the door someday feeling like i look really good. like people aren't thinking, "wow, that girl has a huge ass!" i want toned legs (reasonably, anyway), toned arms, a flat stomach, and i want to get rid of that cottage cheese that i keep finding in the most random places. places it should not be.

it just all seems so hopeless. so time-consuming and obsessive and pointless. i'm just going to gain it back anyway. and i'll never be able to do it.

okay, don't feel like you have to be all encouraging and, "no, youre beautiful!" and all that. i just need some empathy. :) i'm about 99% positive this is a struggle we all face at some point in our lives! but if you do have any miracle diet tips, by all means, let me know.