fat, not phat.

why are we cursed with weight issues? or, better yet, why are we cursed with self-loathing? okay, so maybe that's a little strong. i don't "loathe" myself when i look in the mirror, but i hatehatehate what i look like naked. maybe that sounds funny or silly, but it reflects so strongly into my daily life. knowing what i look like without my clothes on makes me feel uncomfortable even with my clothes on. i still know what's under there. and i still know that a couple layers of fabric can't change my weight.

i'm heavier than i've ever been in my life right now, and i still have no self-discipline. i still go for the ice cream. have the latte. eat the cake. throw back the beer. i can't say no to things i like. (food and drinks specifically for this blog's purpose.) i don't know what to do anymore. i've been on great diets, when i lose 15 pounds or so in a couple months, but that's not enough anymore. i need to lose a significant amount of weight to fit back in those jeans i love.

and naturally it's not just the cute jeans i wish i had. i want self-confidence. i want to walk out the door someday feeling like i look really good. like people aren't thinking, "wow, that girl has a huge ass!" i want toned legs (reasonably, anyway), toned arms, a flat stomach, and i want to get rid of that cottage cheese that i keep finding in the most random places. places it should not be.

it just all seems so hopeless. so time-consuming and obsessive and pointless. i'm just going to gain it back anyway. and i'll never be able to do it.

okay, don't feel like you have to be all encouraging and, "no, youre beautiful!" and all that. i just need some empathy. :) i'm about 99% positive this is a struggle we all face at some point in our lives! but if you do have any miracle diet tips, by all means, let me know.