When my dad died we saved a copy of his voicemail message off of his work cell phone. It says, "Hi this is Ed with ProTech Plumbing and Heating. ..." I remember thinking how light he sounded. Happy, I guess, but not giddy or anything. Just a very pleasant memory of his voice. The day he died I must have called his cell phone about a million times to hear it. I couldn't make myself stop calling it, actually. Over and over and over, just that happy little message.
One of my brother's friends was able to save it for us somehow and gave us a copy on disc. I have it on my computer, but haven't touched it. I stopped calling his phone number sometime after the first week, and now I can't bring myself listen to it. I want to hear my dad's voice again, but I'm terrified.
I was thinking today about why I haven't listened to it, and why I'm so afraid, and I think I've come to a conclusion of why I'm not ready. I'm afraid because what if I don't feel anything? What if I listen to it and it's nice, but it doesn't bring me to tears? Nothing brings me to tears these days. I desperately want to cry for my dad. Or for me for my dad. But I can't. Which is okay. Someday it'll come. I keep having to tell myself that, "It's okay." There's no real "normal" way to grieve. We're all different, right? So it's natural that we mourn in unique ways. I'm not really sure what my way is, but I have to remind myself that it's not like the movies.
2 comments:
Yea, my grandparents saved my aunts recording on their answering machine....I remember I loved to listen to it. and I totally understand the wanting so badly to cry and you can't. Yea, it comes and when it does you'll probably have the worst headache of your life. I still watch my aunts service, beaches or this other movie about a girl dying of cancer when I feel like I need "a good cry". I even have several songs that work. It's like you feel like you should cry when something happens and when you don't you almost feel guilty....well atleast I do sometimes.
and yes, we are all different and deal with things differently. Josh deals with death in the POLAR OPPOSITE way compared to me.....we have had to just accept that we are different, not right or wrong, just different.
Love, I don't think it is like the movies. And for that, I'm both gravely regretful and so relieved.
This is yours; for that, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking time and time again for you...for all of the ache and for the process--for the purpose for your pain.
I'm here for you. And we all love you, wherever you're at.
xoxo ALWAYS
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