waves, reality, and missing my dad

my "breakdowns" seem to have lessened to about once a week now, if that. :) weird how something can get easier and harder at the same time. it's getting easier just living every day life...doing the things i've always done...coming home to his house and not thinking only of him being gone. but it gets harder, too. imagining my future is more painful than it's ever been. i hate the thought of living another FIFTY years without my dad around. i don't know what i'll feel when i meet a guy i think i might want to marry, and i can't get my dad's opinion. and someday if i have kids.... that's the worst one. my dad was going to be such a perfect grandpa. he was going to be a perfect everything.
i went through about a week, and this pops up again some days, when i could not and can not look at recent pictures of him. which is weird, because the very first thing i wanted to do when i flew in from lubbock that terrible day was stare at a picture of his face. but on these days when it hurts too much, i catch his face out of the corner of my eye and i just have to walk away. it's such a handsome face. such a kind, predictable face. show me any picture of him, and i'll tell you what he's thinking.
amber gave me the most beautiful picture of him and me for christmas. she framed it in a white frame (imagine...me and white...huh), and it's just perfect. it's from mother's day (2007), our families went out to eat together, and she had a new digital and was snapping photos all afternoon. i thank God with all my heart that this picture exists. it's just so "Ed."
i miss my dad so much. it's weird, but i get a craving to say that out loud. everyone i see, i want to tell them, "i miss him so much." i don't say it very often because i get choked up when i do. and i don't like to say it to my mom 'cause i'm afraid of making her [more] sad. but sometimes i just need to say it. actually, all the time. strange how just saying a few words strung together can bring relief.
i was at the bottom of our stairs the other day, on my way up to my room, doing nothing in particular, and a "wave" hit me. it happens every day-ish. just this sensation of, "he's really gone." it literally takes my breath away for a split second. it doesn't make me cry, or even tear up, it's just a flash, then it's gone. and as silly as it sounds, i like those waves. they bring reality...and they bring me his face, which i must never forget.
like i ever could.