day 23

it's weird. i watched tv for a couple hours tonight...very relaxed, content...just sitting around doing nothing. i think about my dad constantly, all throughout the day...i miss him like crazy, of course, but most hours in the day i have a huge peace hanging about me, keeping me at a distance from sorrow. the weird part is...i never can predict when my dad's death is going to come crushing down on me. after all that tv watching, i went to the fridge for some ice water. the program from my dad's memorial service is stuck under a couple magnets on the phifers' fridge (where i'm staying at the moment), and i just glanced at the picture on the cover. then i went across the room, poured myself a glass of water from the filter i just pulled out of the fridge, went back and grabbed a beer, set it on the counter next to my water, and felt a wave of sadness. for some reason when i have a "wave" like that, i always think to myself, and almost always say out loud, "oh, dad." i'm not sure why, but that's what i say. after i got the beer out of the fridge and set it down, i picked up my water glass to go into the living room (more tv)...and out of nowhere i just LOST it.
it feels good to cry loud and hard. when i'm at home i don't like to sob, 'cause i'm afraid my mom will hear and that will make her sad all over again. so being here alone and letting loose was nice. i mean, as nice as weeping for the loss of my dad can feel. my heart breaks in those moments. i feel a thousand different things all at once. lots of things involving "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" and what i'm supposed to feel and not supposed to feel. because i KNOW my dad's chillin' with Jesus in paradise, i often feel guilt for moments like these when i hit bottom and cry my eyes out. if i'm so happy for my dad's eternal state, why am i so sad?
these things are so hard. everything is so confusing and everything is turned upside down. i always thought i knew how i'd react to true heartbreak, but i guess ya can't ever really be prepared for what it's going to be like. sometimes everything in my past up to this point feels like such a dream. like did it ever really happen? was i happy once upon a time? of course i know the answer to that, but the dichotomy is part of what makes all this so confusing.
just to reiterate, i don't type all this out because i'm looking for answers. i promise there's no answer out there. just time. and God. but i appreciate you reading all the same. even though nothing in life makes sense right now, talking about it (or writing) sure helps.