one thing i've found very strange about the last three weeks is the lack of parallelism between movies and reality when it comes to losing someone you love so dearly. mostly my problem is i'm not motivated to do all the things i think i should be motivated to do, as the characters in movies so often are after an event like this. i mean, even though we all know movies are movies and we shouldn't try to live our lives as described by hollywood writers, i guess i still have (or had?) this idea that even movies had their basis (however small) in reality. like in movies when kids mourn the death of a parent or sibling or spouse (etc) they become this amazing person who is changed inside and out because of the grand legacy left behind them.
but here i am. my very-legacy-leaving dad just died of a heart attack...and i'm eatin' bacon. i have this weird heart murmur-y off-beat thing when i lay down to sleep at night, and for some reason going to the doc is like, "meh." i should probably be all pumped to go to the gym and get fit, get on a diet and get slim, and i should certainly, certainly be more motivated to pray, read my bible and follow that suggestion about living "one day at a time."
but in this weird way...it's like nothing's changed. at the end of the day, i still feel like the same ole emily. i mean, my life is totally different, because, well, if you know me, you know how much i adored my dad, and (pardon the forthcoming double-negative) there's no way nothing could have changed. (again with the ever-popular conjunction) but some things haven't changed that i feel like should have changed. like all that above about health and stuff. and the spiritual stuff. and the house is the same, and i still can't get rid of clothes i never wear, and my room's a MESS, and i forget to pick up after myself. my life will never be the same as of three weeks ago...
but will it ever truly change?
2 comments:
You will always be em, pork eating and messy bedroom and the whole nine. I for one think there is no reason for that to change. As a matter of fact it would be downright strange if it did change because if you werent you...well then you wouldnt be the only person to have lost someone they loved. And dont feel bad about the bacon...its pretty tasty. Love you em,i tried to stay away from the "advice" and just let you know that im in your corner.
I miss you. I'd like to stay up all night talking to you about how dumb we were...and maybe...still are! Ditto on the last sentence of Jamie's comment. (Well, last two sentences. Bacon is pretty tasty)
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